A puddle

So today I found my self tonight on the floor in a puddle crying. I think the stress from the last two weeks finally hit. I started to think about the money part of this. If something happens between now and then the L&I checks come in we might not make it.

Every new day we are hit with something, it may not be big, but when there is no good coming into a life the hits add up. Like yesterday I wanted to start getting Christmas out and I found this BIG guy. Yes, the picture is blurry, I was running for my life. We left the shed open in hopes he would leave, but we finally had to shoot him.

I think about my mil and I know she is frustrated and just wants to get up and go on with her schedule. But her whole life changed on the 13th. That lady doesn't know how to slow down and let her body rest and recover.

I think about my sil. She took over mil's bills, and all her medical. And I know she worries being so far away from mil.

I worry, but I'm only 30 minutes away. But I (we) have fallen so far behind on life as it is. I have two in the midst of getting braces. I have to make eye appointments but have to keep putting it off. Hell I keep putting so much off. On the other hand, I (we) can't do stuff for mil, she needs to do everything for herself. I can't sit there and baby sit.

Then you worry about the future. In a way I wish our house was bigger, would just be easy to move her in and bring PT and OT and such here daily. But my house is small and noisy and very lived in. As in not clean and tidy. Our floors are cleaned daily and dishes done daily and such, but we live in a small house and not a place for everything. On the flip side, she wouldn't want to live here, she likes her town, she has loads of friends and likes to be close to everything.

Then you have the medical fight. I found out today my mil was only approved until today for rehab. She won't be kicked out that isn't the problem. But I feel for my sil who has to call and do more appeals and work with rehab and getting her approved for another two weeks plus. It's almost like a second job with all the calls and things you have to organize. There isn't anything I can do much to help.

I know down the road I will have my turn, as my parents get older daily. At one point since I'm the oldest I'll have to go in and take over their bills and deal with their medical . I'm scared to death on what I will walk into with them. And since my mother and I rarely talk I have no idea what to expect there.

***making a note here or a what ever. In my family (family line) it has always been the oldest that goes in and takes care of the parents. I guess I never thought of anything different. Sigh. ***When something is up with a family member you know to call the oldest. **** IDK I wonder how things work in different families. I see people at rehab that you never see family come and visit. You see them go into a care meeting with no one, and you wonder. Do they really have no one, or does their family really not care? Always something going through my mind these days****End of note***

Then I think what would I consider as good news? And it utterly stumps me. Maybe a week of calm? A week of peace? A week without any major worries? IDK I'm stumped.

Christmas is coming and the boys want to set up today. Well ok they wanted to set up last month. They are so excited and I'm freaking out, I still have some pricey lego sets to get and I don't know if that is happening. They certainly deserve a good Christmas for all they have put up with this year. Although teaching them how to roll with life that is for sure. They have spent a lot of time alone since the 13th. We fell behind on school since the 13th. They have been doing dishes by hand since the 13th.  

What I wouldn't give for some shocking good news. Just  WOW good news. News that makes you smile for a week no matter what hits you good news.

But I will wake up tomorrow and I will figure out how to pay for food and gas this week, and I will run in and check on mil and do her laundry and hang her Christmas lights. I will spend the afternoon painting next door, trying to wrap that up sooner then later. And I will try and roll with what we get hit with tomorrow.